I’m good at beginnings. I can begin a million things. I just often can’t figure out how to end them. I think I have been writing poetry because of my anxiety about endings — by virtue of the relatively short nature of poems, my how-will-I-end-it anxiety is shorter too. This is why I’ve found writing essays and fiction so grueling and unpleasant. But even writing poems I find myself reaching with increasing desperation for an ending, sometimes long before I’ve even figured out what I’m writing about.
At least I’m aware of it — admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? So I start to recognize my end-times anxiety and purposely both relax and try to continue writing through it, trying this direction and that, trying to get myself to write right onward, toward any number of endings, writing even past an ending, so I can make sure I’ve said what the poem wants to say.
I got a critique once about a group of poems that they all fell toward an ending in the same way, so I have to watch my tendency to wrap things up in the same way, to be too tidy. One instructor told me I had a tendency to write poems that were closed-ended rather than open-ended, so I need to think about this often. Geesh, it’s no wonder I have anxiety. Another mentor commented on a number of my endings, and offered several alternatives, none of which I liked. Another mentor offered a new ending to a poem, which I took and then published the poem with that ending. But now when I read the poem aloud in readings, I always revert to my original ending.
My mother is very old and I fear her ending — at the moment she’s at least overtly physically healthy, if absent her memory, but I fear her end will be slow and painful, as so many old people’s ends can be. How can I balance my concern for her ending with my concern for her continued life? I have similar fears for my poems as I write them. I want them to die well. Well, no, I want them to live well, and to end well. What’s that sentiment about sliding up to the pearly gates yelling “woo woo”? I want that for my poem endings.
Too often I’ve had the experience of a piece of writing never “in the end” revealing to me what it was really trying to figure out, so I loop around and around until I give up, or shove some ending on it like a cork. When I’m very lucky, a poem falls gracefully to some image that opens the whole poem up. Or, and again, this takes luck, I find the ending right there at the beginning, and realize I’ve just written the whole poem upside-down.
As a child I loved to hang upside-down on the handrail of our walkway, or off the couch watching TV upside-down. Lately I’ve been missing that perspective on things, and no amount of downface-dog or head-standing quite replicates the bliss of just hanging around in reverse of the known world. So if you come to my door and think you see feet instead of a head sticking up above the couch, well, I’m busy.